At Expectful, we’ve created a Safe Space for new moms and moms-to-be to share the good and the bad, the real and the raw. Because, let’s be honest, this shit is hard, beautiful, and terrifying—but it gets a little easier when we can share our truths and find support from others who’ve been through it, too. Every two weeks we’ll be asking a new question and publishing a selection of our community’s responses. To make sure you don’t miss it, sign up for Expectful’s newsletter.
When you look back on your earliest postpartum days, there are some people who you are so grateful to that you might be willing to offer your next-born as a thanks for the hard work they did to keep you and your new baby sane and cared for during the biggest transition of your life. They are the people who showed up for you and cared about how you were doing, emotionally and physically. They did chores, brought food, and did what needed to be done, while still respecting your boundaries.
Then, there were others who—well—not so much.
The people who make the biggest difference in your postpartum experience—both good and bad—can be friends, family, or even strangers. The support system that emerges during this time can often be surprising.
We wanted to know who these people were for you, so we asked Expectful readers: Who were your ride-or-dies during postpartum—the people you couldn’t have survived this stage without—and why? And who were the people you wish had stayed far far away? Here is a selection of their answers. (And if these inspire you to share your own, you can still do that here.)
Danielle, 34:
I have a close group of friends and every single one of us became mothers within two years of each other (and all six of us had girls!). This “girl gang” of mine was such a blessing as I was the last of the six to have our first child. I had so much support from other new moms who I felt comfortable talking to about the hard things. From postpartum mental health, the first poop after delivery (you know what I mean), vaginal tears, “am I a horrible mom” moments, chapped nipples, and tearful sleepless nights—I knew I could count on each one of them to comfort, support me, and share their experiences.
Since becoming a mom and having this incredible support system, I have made it a priority to be there for all of my new and expecting mom friends. To share the hardships of motherhood as much as the beautiful parts and to let them know that they are not struggling alone. Motherhood looks different for all of us, but comes effortlessly to none of us. Being able to talk about every aspect is so crucial to supporting new moms their first year and beyond.
Anonymous, 36:
During the initial postpartum period, my parents were an incredible source of support for me. They empathized with each of my worries and never passed judgement.
On the other hand, I sometimes found myself wishing my husband could have been away on vacation or living in a separate residence during those weeks. While I understand that the transition to parenthood, coupled with the challenges of dealing with a crying newborn and sleep deprivation, can be overwhelming, his reactions contributed to making the experience exceedingly difficult for me. Reflecting back, I realize those initial weeks could have been much more enjoyable. It's important to prioritize your well-being and focus entirely on your newborn during this critical time.
Jessie, 34:
My mom. I always tell her she saved my life.
Hannah, 28:
My mom and MIL were willing to do anything we needed and supported me in every decision by telling stories without the usual rose-tinted glasses about their own journeys as moms.
Sydney, 23:
My mom and my mother-in-law were my saviors during postpartum! My husband and I currently live with my in-laws and I was worried at first about bringing in a new baby. My MIL couldn’t have been more kind and helpful. The first week postpartum, my MIL took night duty and stayed up with my baby all night and only woke me when they needed to feed. That was extremely helpful as I was navigating motherhood, recovering, and desperately needing sleep. My mother was so kind as she took day duty. She would come over or come pick me up to spend the day with her while my husband was in school full time and working. She fed me meals, held my baby, and was there to support me. I am so grateful for the mothers in my life!
Anonymous, 30:
The family and friends who brought or dropped off groceries or meals without asking to see the baby really made me feel taken care of. They showed that they cared about my well being and weren’t just there to hold the baby.
The friend who lived far away but checked in every week through text to hear how I was doing mentally and physically meant so much to me. So many people ask once or twice how you’re doing, but sometimes new parents struggle for months and need to be checked in on.
Jessica, 36:
My mom and my husband were my ride-or-dies. I could be me—happy, sad, moody, and attitude-y—and they didnt take it personally. Other family—they stressed me out. They wanted to do too much and bring too much—too chaotic.
Anonymous, 37:
Wow. What a question. I feel like I could talk about this for hours and hours. (I already have in individual and group therapy for postpartum anxiety). My baby came unexpectedly at 29 weeks and within one week both sets of our parents were on planes from the USA to Europe for vacations. My parents went on a yacht with their friends and my in-laws were on a guided tour (for three weeks!). We were allowed to have four people on our list of visitors in the NICU with only one change allowed. First, we put all four grandparents, but then after a bit of thought I switched out my Dad for my Aunt, who flew out to join me in the NICU for three days. We stayed at the hotel next to the hospital—she paid for it. We went out to eat—she paid for it. We visited my tiny preemie day and night—she made it fun. I’ll never ever forget my amazing, caring, sweet Aunt being there for me. We spent 62 days in the NICU, and my Aunt’s trip was the first time I felt like “I can do this.” As for all the grandparents who couldn’t be bothered to change their travel plans, they missed their chances to be a special part of our story.
Anonymous, 30:
My mom and her best friend. Every time they came over, the dishes were done, meals made (and put away), the bathroom was sparkling, garbage taken out, dogs walked (and bathed!!!), etc. They only asked to hold babygirl if I wanted to take a shower or when I offered/needed a minute to myself. They treated me like the woman they knew first, remembering all the details they knew mattered to me, but never forgot to honor to way I became a mother. They mothered me as I became a mother.
The people I wish had stayed away? Everyone who came over and never offered to help or asked me how I was. They came over strictly to hold the baby and coo at her. They didn’t care that my body ached or that I would have loved a shower. They never brought food or offered to help with a single thing. These people acted like I didn’t exist until the baby cried. Thanks for nothing!
Anonymous, 40:
My mom and my sister were my postpartum ride-or-dies. So comforting and helpful, practically and emotionally.
On the other hand, my mother-in-law was the opposite. Not the least bit helpful and emotionally draining. Exhausting…
Anonymous, 32:
I was alone. Me, myself, and my toddlers with a newborn.
Emily, 33:
During postpartum, my ride-or-die was undoubtedly my partner. They were my rock, providing unwavering support, care, and understanding during a period of immense physical and emotional changes. My husband took on the role of caregiver, stepping in whenever I needed rest or assistance with the baby. His ability to recognize when I was feeling overwhelmed or stressed and taking over parenting duties allowed me to recuperate and feel supported during those challenging times.
As for those I wish had stayed away, unfortunately, there were some family members who made us feel uncomfortable. Whether it was their judgmental attitudes, lack of support, or intrusive behavior, their presence only added to the stress and strain of postpartum life. In hindsight, I realize that surrounding myself with positivity and support was crucial for my well-being during that delicate period, and distancing ourselves from negative influences would have been beneficial.
Kati, 34:
Couldn’t live without my good friend from college who had a baby three months before me. I nicknamed her my “postpartum doula” and texted her constantly to understand her journey and whether what I was experiencing was normal before I turned to Google.
Lisa, 31:
I couldn’t have survived without my other mom friends. There’s a connection there that no one else understands. Sharing similar experiences, trading tips that have worked for them, or just simply saying, “I hear you, and what you’re experiencing is valid,” is the most comforting sensation. Moms supporting moms is such an essential part of postpartum because no one else understands the struggles better.
In terms of who I wished had stayed far away, it wasn’t necessarily people in my life, but people on social media. Social media gives such a distorted idea of what postpartum is “supposed” to be like. Oversupply being normal, baby sleeping in the bassinet and for four hours in a row immediately, being able to rest and have others care for your baby and you—it’s all unrealistic and sets the tone of moms feeling like failures when things don’t look like what we see on the internet. Being a new mom is hard, and social media doesn’t help lift moms up, just add a whole new level of self-doubt.
Michelle, 34:
My wife for holding it down 24/7, especially during marathon triple-feeding sessions while we worked on our latch. My best friend Paulina for taking me to the ER when I had a scary postpartum complication. Honorary Auntie Marisa for countless meals, pep talks, and the cutest hand-me-downs.
Reese, 35:
My ride-or-dies were my mother, who came and stayed with us for two weeks right after my little one was born, my sister, who was a shoulder to lean on in times where I felt I couldn’t confide in many other people, and my closest friend, Andrea, who really takes the award for best ride-or-die because I truly feel like I wouldn’t have made it out had it not been for her presence in my life (even though we were long distance most of the time). My husband and I were living in the mountains, very secluded from the rest of the world. He traveled a lot for work, so my friend would drive four hours to come and stay with me. Once, she and I got snowed in for several days during the craziest blizzard the area had seen in decades. We lost power in the house, it was freezing, dark, and I had my newborn. Had it not been for her positive attitude, resourcefulness, and general good company, I truly believe I wouldn’t have made it out. I’m so grateful for her intentionality, love, and dedication in our friendship. Many people told me they would be there to support after baby was born—she was one of very few friends who actually showed up.
The only person I ever wished would stay away at various points during postpartum was actually my husband. Hardest times of our lives. Sometimes I was grateful for the relief his work trips would bring. Even though it left me alone lot of the time, I often felt some peace and it gave me an opportunity to exhale and just be without the added wifely pressures. I felt largely misunderstood by him, which often made me feel alone even when he was around. I felt like he had little appreciation for my plight as a new (again) breastfeeding mother whose body was also still healing. So he’d leave on a work trip and if I felt lonely, at least I felt peace and freedom to just be.
Crystal, 35:
I wished my in laws stayed away more. Especially my crazy mother in law who cooked shrimp (which I am epi-pen allergic to) and brought into our home and then tried to rename my 2 month old after her high school classmate. BUT I have an awesome aunt that checked on me even though we were thousands of miles apart. She made sure I was emotionally ok virtually. (During COVID)
Amy, 30:
The person that really helped me postpartum above anyone else was my husband. He understood the emotions and moods swings I was experiencing and encouraged me (and went with me) to see my ob-gyn when the anxiety got to be too much. He listened to my worries and fears and took the load off of me when I became overwhelmed. He agreed that staying home with our baby was best for my mental health and continues to encourage me to take time for myself. It’s really a testament to the importance of choosing the right partner to have children with.
My mom, sisters, and mother-in-law were also hugely helpful. I recognize that I’m very blessed in that department because not everyone has that amazing support system, but they all helped me so much by just listening to me. My good friend had a baby six months after I did and it was so so nice to go through similar things with someone I was close with. And then share our thoughts and feelings about everything with each other. Knowing that others are going through the same thing helped me overcome so many fears early on.
If I had to do it over again, I would’ve stayed far away from social media. I thought it was a relaxing pastime but it was poison to my sensitive and susceptible brain at the time. I played the comparison game far too long and would doom scroll for hours, feeling drained and bad about myself afterwards. Then, in turn, would think something was wrong with me because I couldn’t “handle” social media.
