Of all the things you prepare for when bringing home a baby, sleep-deprived fights with your partner probably aren’t on your Bingo card. Yet, just about all new parents find themselves in this position—often at 3 a.m. Rest assured, it doesn’t mean something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship, but you may have to tweak how you approach conflict with your partner, says Cabell Williams, a new parent coach at Stronger Parenthood, and mom to a 6-month-old and 3-year-old.
Add together a lack of sleep, hormonal changes—with both partners—and a motherload of new responsibilities, and it’s a recipe for conflict. “It makes sense that when both parents are exhausted and sleep-deprived, minor disagreements escalate quickly,” says Williams. But don’t feel like you have to overhaul your entire communication style with your partner right away. Try picking one thing to work on for two weeks, and then discuss how it went, she says.
If you do find yourself in a constant loop of feeling pissy with your partner, these tips will help you open the lines of communication with love and respect.
Be Aware of Each Other’s Conflict Resolution Style
Partners often have different ways of processing conflict, says Williams. Usually, one person needs to resolve it right away, while the other person gets super angry or shuts down completely. “The more the partner pushes, it causes the other person to retreat or completely explode,” says Williams.
The way forward? Compromise. It will feel difficult for both parties, but the need-resolution-now partner will have to allow the retreater a set amount of time to process, while the retreater will have to come back to the conversation at some point. “Set a timer for 15 minutes, or put a reminder on your calendar for Thursday after the kids go to bed,” says Williams. This gives the retreater time to go for a run—if, say, they need a physical release of the anger—or a day to work through their emotions. But, they’re not off the hook completely. “That way the person who feels anxious about the conversation knows when that follow-up will happen.”
Don’t Expect to Resolve Conversations at 3 a.m.
How often has an argument been resolved in the middle of the night? Just about never, says Williams. It’s really hard to have a productive conversation when you’re both exhausted, you’re dealing with hormone changes, physical recovery, and a new baby. That can “amplify frustrations and lead to even bigger misunderstandings,” she says. (See the last tip for a good way to break the middle-of-the-night tension.)
To avoid the 3 a.m. agitation altogether, try to be strategic about when you bring up difficult conversations, says Williams (aka not in the wee hours). “You should probably bring it up in the middle of the day—and not in the three minutes before they walk out the door for work,” she says. This will also take some self-reflection to get right. It helps to “recognize when we’re starting to feel resentful or annoyed and talk to our partner ahead of time.”
Avoid Criticizing or Taking Over
Yes, it’s tempting to scoff at your partner when they’re changing the baby’s diaper in a really inefficient way (like, why are you taking off the entire onesie?!), or to step in and take over in a huff. But, letting your partner figure out a way that works for them is really important, says Williams, because it allows both partners to learn and gain confidence as new parents.
“An added bonus is couples that don’t criticize each other’s parenting almost always have a more equal distribution of parenting responsibilities,” she says, noting that an imbalance in care duties—particularly at night—is one of the most common arguments for new parents. (And definitely don’t ‘keep score’ with your partner on baby duties, because it only leads to resentment, she adds.)
Give Context with Your Feedback
It’s fine to give your partner suggestions for how to do things. If you’ve found something that works to calm your screaming baby, you might as well share the wealth. But how you give the suggestion matters. Rather than saying, “That’s not how you do it” or skipping straight to “Fine, I’ll just do it myself,” try sharing insights from your own experience. For example, you could say, “I realized last week that if you hold the baby like this, he calms down much more quickly.”
Use the Phrase, “My Brain Is Telling Me…”
When in doubt, blame your brain! This tip is useful for partners who are feeling anxious or unsupported, says Williams. It’s a way to “tell your partner how you’re feeling in a way that doesn’t blame or assume the worst, which will lead to a much more productive conversation.”
Here’s how it’s done: let’s say you agreed to share the nighttime feeding responsibilities, but your partner typically sleeps through the baby’s cries. You could say, “When you sleep through the baby’s cries, my brain starts to tell me that you don’t care about me or the baby.”
Validate Each Other’s Perspectives
This one can be tricky if one partner is solution-oriented, says Williams, particularly if the other person is just looking for validation that this is all really hard. “Validation of feelings plays a key role in moms feeling supported,” she says.
Lots of couples struggle with this one, so one easy trick to shift gears is to ask your partner right off the bat, “Are you looking for validation or are you looking to problem solve?” says Williams. “Nine out of ten times the other partner will say ‘I just need you to validate this and tell me I’m not an insane person,’” she says. Some other phrases to try? “I totally understand why you would feel that way” or “That must be really tough for you.”
Remember, You’re a Team
Sometimes a little humor is the best way to take the edge off. And nothing gets the giggles going like a “Honey, remember the real enemy.”
“I don’t literally mean your baby is the enemy,” says Williams, but using that phrase can be a powerful tool to diffuse the tension and bring both partners back from the brink. It’s a reminder that you really are a team with the same goals. Whether that goal is getting the baby back to sleep, feeding their insatiable hunger, or generally just making sure they are alive and (mostly) happy—you are definitely in this together.
