After having my second baby, I often found myself wondering, “Am I being punked?” Friends had told me things like, “Don’t worry. You’ll love the newborn just as much” and “It’ll be so much fun having two.” True for some—but not for me. Not in the early weeks anyway. 

I fumbled through foreign feelings and slogged through sensitive situations that totally surprised me. Some of them were even so good that knowing about them ahead of time might have made me less anxious about becoming a two-child family.

So, now that my baby is four months old (and my two-and-a-half-year-old has gotten used to his new big-brother role), I’m going to tell you what I wish I had heard ahead of my transition to Mom of Two. 

Your Baby May Feel Like an Intruder 

I love my cuddly toddler. We share the same hobbies: gardening, baking, reading good books. And we laugh together a lot. The baby? He’s cute. Do I get the same butterflies when I look at him? Plead the Fifth. Do I resent him for needing so much from me that I have less time to enjoy my toddler? Often, yes I do. 

I felt really guilty about it all, too, until someone told me, “It’s okay! And normal! You’ve known your toddler for years but only just met your baby. And babies are mostly work with no play. You can’t compare the two relationships.” This has helped me cherish my time with my now-four-month-old. (It also helps that he’s started smiling back.) Still, every now and then, while hunting for cucumbers or cracking fart jokes, I find myself accidentally whispering “You’re my favorite kid ever” to my oldest.

Your Older Child May Beat You Up

I know older siblings sometimes resent the younger ones. But I was totally blindsided by my toddler loving the baby but resenting me. 

“I love you,” he’ll coo before planting a gooey kiss on his little brother’s eyelids. “Rock a bye baby,” he’ll start to sing when the baby is sleepy. He even tells me to “Feed the baby, Mom” when “his” precious baby is crying. 

But when I dote on or take care of the infant, I get my ass kicked. This toddler has covered every other inch of my skin with bruises, bites, scratches—and hickeys. He screams and cries at a deafening decibel into my ear. After a few months of it, I nearly lost my ability to stay calm and collected—and realized I’d need help in order to endure this stage. Which leads us to the next item on my list…

“Just Take the Zoloft”

I heard this on social media in the early postpartum days (from Caro Chambers? Emily Oster? my postpartum brain can’t recall), and the context was simple: if you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts (like me—again) or postpartum anxiety (uh huh) or postpartum rage (did I mention I’m getting hate hickeys from a toddler?), it’s not worth suffering when you can get help. 

With my first child, I stubbornly got through all my scary, new fourth-trimester feels alone, and I had been dreading a repeat experience. But those magical words—“just take the Zoloft”—unlocked a world of support for me this time around. My doctor agreed medication was a good idea to help me cope, and I quickly learned that a majority of the mothers I know have benefitted from Zoloft, too. Of course, it’s not for everyone. The real message here is: don’t hesitate to get help if you need it.

Outsourcing = a Great Option

Speaking of help, I quickly learned that offloading some of the chores—onto house cleaners, grocery delivery services, and even a temporary nanny—would pay huge dividends for my emotional well-being in the short term. Turns out, this is a popular (though expensive) solution for many busy postpartum parents.

Recognizing this ahead of time might have saved me some money, too: if I had strategically booked our parents to visit in alternating shifts, they’d have covered a lot of this ground for us—for free!

Socializing Will be Worth the Hassle

I rarely made plans with other adults after becoming a mom, and carving out time for fun felt extra impossible with my achey postpartum body (pro tip: invest in a postpartum wardrobe) and with two kids’ schedules to navigate. Plus, empathetic friends and family were quick to give me an out: “You’ve got your hands full, but we’ll see you when you’re ready!”

But I was a little lonely and really needed them, ready or not. So I forced myself into their company—brunch with a good girlfriend, a neighborhood walk with another postpartum mom, a dinner playdate for our toddler—and always found myself happier and more confident afterward.

Joy and Peace May Come More Easily

I dreaded how overwhelmed I might feel as a mom to two. But in the fourth trimester, I was delighted to discover that I could savor the sweet little moments in a way I couldn’t appreciate before: a quiet breakfast next to a sleeping newborn felt like a luxury (I wasn’t stressed about panic-buying nipple cream or extra postpartum pads like last time), and neighborhood walks with the baby in a stroller felt like a welcome break from sitting inside the house (as opposed to an anxious, scary outing—have I mentioned Zoloft?).

The Kids Can Wait to Meet Each Other

So many well-wishers offered us advice for introducing the boys to one another at the hospital: have the toddler give the baby a gift, don’t hold the baby when the toddler enters the room, etc. But the best thing we did? Send the toddler to grandma’s house until the baby was a week old. The older kid got the quality attention he was craving there, and I got to rest my aching rear on a donut pillow on the couch. When the boys finally met, neither of them yelled at us for not introducing them sooner.

You Get to Be the Cool Mom Now!

When I was learning how to navigate the world with a tiny human for the first time, more experienced mamas would show up for me in the smallest, most meaningful ways: handing me a wipe at the changing table when I was fresh out, grabbing my phone to snap a photo of me with my baby at the park, smiling reassuringly while my little dumpling screamed his head off in a restaurant. Now I get to pay it forward, and it feels so good.

It Will be Easier to Trust Your Mom Gut

You are now a person who first-time parents will turn to for help. You won’t know it all, and every baby is different, but you will know enough to more easily get through the day—and to trust your gut when it’s prompting you to pick up the phone and call the pediatrician (or your doctor or a house-cleaning service or a friend) to ask for help.