When I was pregnant, I spent much more time worrying about birth than about what I would do with a tiny being depending on me for survival. In fact, I probably hadn’t held a baby for more than 30 seconds prior to pushing one out of my body. So pretty much everything about the first few weeks was a surprise to me.
With this inexperience, a big dose of raging hormones, and without a partner to help me, I developed postpartum anxiety—so my first few weeks were decidedly rocky. In my frazzled new mom state, I think I actually scared a few of my pregnant friends! But things eventually calmed down, and I love parenting my now 16-month-old son. Here are ten lessons I quickly learned in those first few weeks.
Nothing Can Truly Prepare You for a Newborn
I did infant care classes at the hospital. I read all the books. But when the nurses sent me home with a tiny baby, I felt totally lost. At first, I thought it was just me and my lack of actual newborn experience that was to blame, but from talking to friends with multiple kids, I’ve learned that each baby can be so different that even past experience does not guarantee future success. I find this a little bit freeing—we’re all just doing the best we can and making it up as we go along.
Parents With Slightly Older Kids Were My New Best Friends
The absolute biggest help for me came from parents who were out of the newborn stage but could still remember it—with bonus points for those with more than one child. I can’t even tell you the myriad things I stressed about, though I specifically remember freaking out over putting my son too close to my car’s exhaust pipe and melting a bottle part in the dishwasher. While I was in a parenting peer group, it felt like none of us really knew what we were doing. Talking to parents of slightly older kids and getting their advice helped me—then and now—put things in perspective and realize that it’s probably going to be fine.
Parenting Is Whole New Way of Relating to People
When I had a baby, I felt like I had finally gained entry into a secret society, and I now totally understand why parents hang out with other parents. It’s hard to understand having your time dictated by naps until you actually live it. Parents that I hadn’t been super close with before would bring me food, give me advice, and offer to come hold the baby because they knew how hard it was. Even strangers wanted to talk to me about how he was sleeping or tell me that it would get better.
I felt a much deeper connection to the parents in my life who were there for me, and I immediately had something to talk about with new parents I met.
Baby Acne Is a Thing
Get newborn pictures right away because baby acne can show up about a week in. I had a session booked for a week after my son’s due date but luckily ended up moving it to just a few days after I brought him home. The day of the original session, his sweet little face was covered in acne.
That said, I have basically no photos of him from this time, which is a huge bummer now. You’ll always wish you had more photos.
The Worst Nights Will End (With Help)
One memorable evening, I unsuccessfully tried to put my newborn in the bassinet for five and a half hours. My nipples were raw, my son was screaming, and both of us were absolutely losing it. At 11 p.m. I finally begged my friend to come over. She didn’t provide hands-on help, but knowing that she was sitting in the next room allowed me to relax a little bit, and I finally got him down.
Eventually, I hired a part-time nanny to help me. I initially felt so ashamed—my other single mom friend could do this alone, so why couldn’t I? She turned out to be a lifesaver. There were so many times I would just stare at the clock counting the minutes until she would be there. Knowing that I just had to hang on until then was soothing to me.
I Felt Like a Cow
Sometimes it felt like all I was doing in a day was feeding the baby, feeding myself, and pumping. I had a jarring loss of identity in those first few weeks as I transitioned from only being responsible for myself to having this tiny person totally dependent on me. It’s animalistic, but it also can be mentally and emotionally frustrating. I used to be a person who read books and exercised, and now I sat in bed with a baby attached to me searching for milk while I scrolled through techniques to get him to sleep.
I would just like to say, for the record, that you are more than a cow, and you will get your life back, albeit in a different way. Though, like me, you may have to say goodbye to your boobs as you know them.
I Gained Empathy
Having a baby made me imagine everyone else as a baby. I thought about how much work my parents put into raising me, and how when I was an annoying teenager furious at them for some imagined slight, they must have sighed and thought of all the effort they put into keeping me alive in those early days. I imagined what various people I knew must have looked like as tiny babies, how even the president’s mom changed his poopy diapers.
The flip side is that I can also see my baby in other babies that have suffered and it is the worst. There are certain stories I can’t read because they break me.
Your Bar for Acceptable Will Drastically Change
Look, the first few weeks you are strictly in survival mode, and “good enough” or even “a little gross” becomes okay. I slept on sheets with crusty breastmilk for days because, after the infinite laundry that comes with a newborn, changing the sheets was beyond what I could physically and mentally handle. My parents, in a fit, came over and cleaned the whole house and I was mad at them for making noise when I wanted to sleep.
Do what is necessary to keep everyone safe, sane, fed, and rested. You don’t need to be a “perfect” parent with a perfectly kept house—your baby can’t form memories yet anyway.
Positivity Was More Helpful Than Commiseration
In the throes of despair one day, I asked my Instagram followers 1. when it got better, 2. their worst parenting experience, and 3. what made parenting worth it. As a certified curmudgeon, I thought other people’s bad experiences would be funny, but the truth was they scared me. Hearing opinions of when it got better was interesting, but everything seemed so far away. (FYI: the most common answer was six months). What I found truly helpful instead was hearing other people talk about all the things I had to look forward to. Hearing people say how much they loved their amazing kids made me feel all the good feels.
It’s Okay to Dislike This Part
This is not something I learned in the first few weeks, but it’s something I wish I could go back and tell myself. If you find yourself totally miserable at the beginning, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. Newborns are boring and it’s okay to not be a baby person! Everyone told me to enjoy the newborn snuggles because my life would be over once my kiddo could walk, but it turns out I am much happier having an interactive toddler zooming around the house than holding a helpless baby. (Sure, it’s a little scary when he tries to climb into the oven…but it’s also pretty funny.) You’ll find that parenting has ups and downs and you can love your child, but not the phase. It’s also true that almost everything—both good and bad—is just a phase.
