We’ve entered an era where the discussion around postpartum mental health is more than just a 10-question screener that begins and ends at your six-week check-up. Most of us have at least heard of postpartum depression and anxiety, if not experienced it first-hand as new parents. But a lesser-known and far-less talked about perinatal mood disorder—postpartum rage—is slowly gaining visibility on social media.
In a now-viral TikTok, user MamaJen can be seen hurling chunks of ice at her bathtub with the intensity of a grizzly bear turned MLB pitcher, accompanied by deep, guttural growls. “My biggest struggle as a new mom is my anger,” she writes in the caption, noting that she would “10/10 recommend” this method of coping.
It’s a visceral display of rage and one that commenters seem to be divided on. While many voiced their support, applauding her for finding a non-destructive way to get her emotions out, others full-on shamed her for acting out her anger.
“I think people took such alarm at the video because they’re so uncomfortable with women’s anger,” says Monique Bellefleur, a perinatal mental health therapist. “It's so unfair. Women are allowed to be angry. Anger isn't in itself a bad thing or a bad emotion. It's about how we express our anger,” she says.
On top of that, postpartum rage or “mom rage” is something that a lot of new moms experience, even if they don’t talk about it. Things like fluctuating hormones, lack of sleep, and the massive amount of change that comes with bringing home a baby can “compile until our frustration manifests into anger and rage,” says Dr. Lilit Ayrapetyan, a psychologist who specializes in perinatal mental health. It can also be tied to postpartum depression or anxiety in the form of irritability, she notes.
Either way, feeling anger well up inside you as a new mom can be disconcerting, particularly if you’re not used to those emotions coming on so strongly. Just know that feeling and expressing anger in a healthy way is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of, she says.
Is Ice Throwing a Healthy Coping Mechanism?
By all accounts, yes. Taking a breather alone in your bathroom to throw ice is a perfectly fine coping mechanism for mom rage. “It’s actually a good way to process anger,” says Bellefeur. “She’s not throwing it at anyone, she’s not hurting anyone, it didn’t seem like she was damaging her property, and the fact that she was doing something physical to allow herself to feel the anger and process the anger, I think, actually, was healthy.”
The relief you feel may be temporary, though, says Dr. Ayrapetyan. “It’s definitely more of a short-term coping mechanism, and I don’t think that’s sustainable,” she says. “It gives you that physical, tangible way of getting it out of your system, but I think you’ll need to find something long-term that’s more stable, like meditation, grounding yourself, or mindfulness techniques.”
The verdict: ice throwing is a totally healthy way to get temporary relief from mom rage. But, if you do find that you have to throw ice more and more, and it’s not helping to manage your anger long-term, it’s probably time to find some other ways to cope. Perhaps with the help of a perinatal mental health professional, who can help you process your feelings in a deeper way.
Not Into Throwing Ice? Try These Unexpected Things Instead
What if anger is coursing through your body and you need an outlet right now, but ice throwing isn’t really your jam? Luckily, there are a slew of other ways to release your pent-up rage in a non-toxic way—and you should feel empowered to do so.
Think of your postpartum rage as a beach ball, says Bellefleur. “If you’re uncomfortable with feeling angry, you push it down, and like a beach ball that you push under the water, at some point it’s going to come surging back out,” she says. “I think it’s important to allow ourselves to feel angry instead of shutting it down or invalidating those feelings.”
Similar to ice throwing, there are other short-term solutions rooted in a particular type of therapy, called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), that will help you get the feelings out. Specifically, there’s a practice called TIPP, which stands for Temperature Change, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, and Progressive Muscle Relaxation. “This technique is encouraged for people who are at an eight or 10 on the distress scale,” says Ivy Ellis, a perinatal mental health therapist, and it can help bring your overwhelming emotions back from the brink of that steam-coming-out-of-you-ears rage.
Some unconventional TIPP alternatives to throwing ice that could help you let off that steam:
Hold ice cubes in your hands
Hold a frozen orange (that you keep in the freezer for this purpose) which has the added benefit of aromatherapy from the citrus scent
Take a cold or hot shower
Dunk your face in a bowl of very cold ice water a couple of times
Use an ice roller on your face
Do 15 jumping jacks really fast
Sit down and stand up from your chair quickly 10 times
Do 10 burpees
Sprint for 30 seconds
Vigorously dance
Shake out your body
Scream in your car
Hug (or yell at) your teddy bear
Punch a pillow
Lightly snap a hair tie on your wrist
Tear up old magazines
Scribble in your journal
Flick paint on a canvas, Jackson-Pollock style
Get crafty with an art or home improvement project (bonus points if hammering is involved)
Take a parent time-out and breathe deeply
Tense each muscle and then purposefully relax each one
How Do You Know If You Need More Support?
Sometimes getting anger out of your system in a physical way isn’t enough to calm the inner storm. “If you find that you’re really quick to anger with your children or partner, that’s a sign that your postpartum rage is not being well-managed,” says Ellis. “Or, if you are easily triggered by things that, prior to this postpartum period, would not have easily triggered you, then I think it’s probably time to access more support or resources.”
Pay attention to your physical symptoms, too, says Dr. Ayrapetyan. Things like a headache that just won’t quit or blood pressure that’s through the roof are warning signs of unchecked anger. Other red flags include not wanting to be around your family, not being able to complete your daily tasks, or more obvious ones, like wanting to hurt yourself or someone else. “Those things call for immediate help,” she says.
If you’re not in emergency distress, but ice throwing has become an everyday activity, you may just need a bit more help from a therapist. “They can tailor specific strategies for your needs and figure out coping mechanisms that are going to be effective for you,” says Dr. Ayrapetyan.
Postpartum Rage is Pretty Normal and It Will Pass
Most moms experience postpartum rage at some point, says Dr. Ayrapetyan, and “it doesn’t mean that you’re crazy.” It may also help to know that those really intense feelings of rage will ease up, both in the moment and in your life.
“Usually the feelings will pass, on a micro level, over the next hour,” says Bellefleur. “It will peak and then come back down and eventually pass.” On a macro level, your postpartum rage will most likely go away, too, she says. “Once your hormones level out, once your body heals, and once you start to feel a little bit more masterful over being a mom, and you get the support you need, eventually this time in your life will pass—feeling this way won’t last forever.”
