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When I arrived at the hospital, I was running on a lot of nervous energy. I’d just gotten a call the day before that my scheduled C-section would be taking place the next morning at 5 a.m. My pregnancy had been easy for the most part, but it felt like things were happening really fast near the end. Just a few days earlier I had been faced with a decision I hadn’t wanted to make.
At my 36-week appointment, I met with a surgeon who partners with my ob-gyn. What he told me was…confusing. He said my baby hadn't dropped yet, and due to my “internal body composition,” I wasn’t a good candidate for vaginal delivery. It was a shock, as having a vaginal delivery and immediate skin-to-skin contact with my baby was the one aspect of childbirth I wanted to see through. After a whirlwind of conversations and appointments in the following weeks, I decided to schedule the C-section for the health of me and my baby.
That Saturday in July 2020, the Covid-19 protocols were in full swing, and like many women having babies during that time, I could only have my husband with me. My family and friends were supporting me digitally, but I was nervous. I’d never been to the hospital for anything—not even a sprained ankle or a broken bone.
I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for hours before the surgery, so when they went to put in the IV, I fainted. It ended up being fine, but it wasn’t the best start to an already nerve-wracking day. Then we waited. And waited. My scheduled surgery time came and went. Finally, a couple hours later, my doctor came in and personally apologized for the hold-up. He said two women arrived in active labor, which put them behind schedule. That explanation made me feel better, along with the anesthesiologist who was cracking jokes the entire time he was getting me prepped for the spinal block. Soon after, I was being wheeled back to surgery.
I’d asked my doctor countless questions about the surgery in my appointments leading up to that day, but as much as I learned, there were a lot of things that still came as a surprise. I had no idea that my hands would be strapped down the entire time, which meant I had almost no mobility in my arms. That felt really scary to me. I also didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be able to see much of anything. We had kept the sex of the baby a surprise, so I really wanted to know as soon as the baby came out. The surgeon made sure to call out loud and clear to me that it was a boy, so that was great. And overall, I felt relatively comfortable throughout the surgery. But when it came time for skin-to-skin contact with my baby, I realized it was impossible because my arms were tied down. Instead, my husband brought him to me to see and be near to him, but I couldn’t hold him. I was left feeling like my first moment with my son had been taken away from me.
After that, I went to recovery, where I felt sick for quite a while. I didn’t realize the medication from the surgery would make me feel so bad afterward. Because of that, I still wasn’t able to be with my son. When I finally did get to meet him two hours post-surgery, it was so exciting, but also everything felt different from how I expected it to, and that disappointment stuck with me— even to this day.
I found out later from my medical team that my baby had been in an awkward position in the womb with his neck twisted to the side, which could’ve been why he didn’t drop. This position could have resulted in an emergency C-section and other stress and complications for the baby and myself. Looking back, I know I made the right decision as it prevented those complications, but that didn’t stop me from feeling sad about not having the birth I had envisioned and missing that immediate skin-to-skin connection. Talking to other women with similar experiences has helped me process those emotions, and since that time almost four years ago, I’ve been able to gain some comforting perspective.
Giving birth during Covid-19 and having a C-section wasn’t what I planned, but it did prepare me for the unpredictability of parenthood. My birth experience has helped me to embrace the ongoing changes that I’ve faced in my new life as a mom.
As told to Allison Tsai
